


A day in the life of Garret the Ghoul

by Horny_Unicorny



Category: Monster Prom (Visual Novel)
Genre: Gen, Holy Hand Grenade, PRANK MASTERZ, graverobbing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-03-09 22:28:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18926251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Horny_Unicorny/pseuds/Horny_Unicorny
Summary: Garret the Ghoul is a bully introduced in +2 Boldness, but he's not that one-dimensional. He's just like any other monster at Spooky High. He develops a crush on one of his classmates and, with the help of Tony the Troll, comes up with a genuinely stupid idea for how to get her attention.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place before Boldness +2. (Also you can find my Garret the Ghoul mod on Steam!)

                Another day at Spooky High. Garret almost always made it to his first class of the day and actually sat through it: AP Body Modification. It was the one subject he excelled in. He spent enough time taking bodies apart that he just needed to remember the scientific names of things to pass. But he tried his best to make it look like he didn’t give a shit.

                “Garret,” Mr. Pishtaco called on him, noticing he was carving a symbol into his desk with a pocket knife. “What are the phalanges?”

                Garret raised his middle finger. “That answer your question, Mr. Fish Taco?”

                “No, it doesn't. In fact, even if this were a sign language class that still would not have answered my question.”

                Garret grinned, “The fingers. You want one?” He took a finger from his vest pocket he’d planned to snack on later and threw it at him. “My gift to you.”

                Mr. Pishtaco caught it and looked at him with an unsettlingly neutral stare. “We have better in the teacher’s lounge. You really shouldn’t waste perfectly good food like that,” he said and dropped it in the trash.

                Garret went back to carving into his desk until class was dismissed. He always skipped his second period, Arithmancy, unless he couldn’t find anything better to do. He knew he was failing the class, but if he wanted to be tortured, he’d have signed up for the Dungeon Torture class. At least, he was pretty sure that was a thing. Rumors floated around the school about it being held in the basement. Rumors even circulated that Crazy Martin was secretly teaching it during the lunch period. But he knew that part was bullshit because Crazy Martin was right around the corner whenever some crazy shit went down in the cafeteria.

                He knew what would keep him busy during his second period today. He was going to break into the teacher’s lounge to see if Mr. Pishtaco was lying through his teeth or if they really did have a stash of fresh fingers in the fridge. He cracked the door open and saw Polly sitting on the counter, examining a bag of pills she discovered in a potted plant. “Heh, whose stash is that?” he asked. No sooner did he step inside when he heard a click. He looked down and noticed what looked like a palm buzzer with a wire coming out of it. He started to follow it with his eyes to see what it led to, but as he looked up, he saw Polly’s wide eyes and her shit eating grin.

                “Oh, fuck—”

                A spring trap raised the floor tile beneath his feet and sent him stumbling into the room onto the next trigger. Darts shot out from the toaster, sticking into his hip like he pissed off a porcupine. “Yeah, all right, that was sick, but—” He was interrupted by another loud buzz and another spring trap sent him flying toward the fridge as Polly opened the door to it with a happy squeal.

“YASSS!”

A barrage of pies shot out of it, covering his face and vest in whipped cream. _Could be worse,_ he thought, looking at her with suspicion. He noticed he was standing on an X on the floor and looked up just in time to see the net shoot down from the ceiling to catch him.

                “WE GOT A LIVE ONE!” Polly shouted, “SCOTT! SCOTT! HURRY!”

                “I’m UNDEAD!” Garret shouted back, trying to cut through the rope with his pocket knife. Whatever the rope was made of, his stupid little knife wasn’t cutting it.

                Scott ran into the room when he heard his name being called. “We caught a bad guy?! We are going to get so many head pats on our grades from the teachers!”

                Garret groaned, “Don't tell me Mr. Fish Taco is giving you guys extra credit for this! He knew I was gonna come in here!” He sniffed and noticed the net was burning him and making his flesh sizzle. “What the hell kind of rope is this!?”

                Scott grinned, “It's some magical net we bought from Valerie. It's supposed to be really good at holding bad guys, and it's holding you, so you must be the bad guy we were supposed to catch!”

                “No fucking way. Why is it burning? Did she mention burning? Because it kind of feels like acid.”

                “Oh, I LOVE acid!” Polly grinned.

                “It’s not the good kind!”

                The Coven burst into the room. “We heard you had the Golden Net of the Holy Dock Worker! We need it to defeat this season's BIG BAD!”

                Garret rolled his eyes. “Is that a mystical bullshit name for a fishing net doused in holy water?”

                Scott thought about it hard. “But we need it so we can show Mr. Pishtaco and get our points and praises! The two P's!”

                “I’ll give you two P’s!” Garret said and stuck his arms through the net to give Scott both his middle fingers. “Fuck, don’t tell Mr. Fish Taco I said that.” He wouldn’t live it down.

                The Coven noticed Garret dangling from the ceiling then and GASPED in unison, “You’ve already deployed it! It’ll need to have its powers replenished! But it was blessed by a priest who was also a fisherman! Where will we find another one of those to defeat the old god under the sea?”

                Garret pulled his arms back in and tried to curl up into a ball so his skin didn’t touch the net directly. “Don’t be messing with any old gods. Just cut me down and you can keep it!”

                Polly grinned, “Maybe he, like, absorbed the power of it and you could, I dunno, use him as bait. And when the old god eats him, ZAP!” She snapped a pic of him with her phone.

                “No, no,” Joy said, shaking her head. “We can’t harm any innocents on our mission. We’ll have to find another way.”

                “Another way?” Hope frowned. “We’ve been searching for this relic for so long!”

                “She’s right,” Faith said. “We can’t risk using a relic at half power and the other idea probably wouldn’t work at all.”

                “Hey,” Garret called out as they left, talking amongst themselves. “Coven! Wait! Let me out!” He sighed, “Scott? Be a good boy?”

                Scott thought hard about it and said, “We were told you need to learn a lesson and you do not seem like you learned anything.”

Garret wasn’t going to argue with that. He really didn’t learn anything. In fact, the thing he went there to learn remained an unanswered question. Were there fresh fingers in the fridge, tucked behind the flying pies? “Oh, come on, you guys had your fun. That’s all that matters, right?”

“Fun is number one!” Scott grinned and looked at Polly. “But isn't being true number two? And we wouldn't be true if we let you go, right, Polly?”

“But setting me free is number three, bro.”

Polly phased her hand through the net and shrugged, “Whoops. Sorry, Boo. I guess holy stuff is like food, it goes right through me.”

He was pretty sure she did that by choice. “Can you at least look in the bathroom for a hot crying girl and tell her to find me if you see her?”

“Sure!” Polly disappeared.

“Crying girl?” Scott gasped, horrified. “Did you make her cry? That's not making me want to observe rule three at all.”

“What? No! She’s a harbinger of death!” He heard howling from outside the window and knew the Wolfpack were calling for Scott to join them. “Wait! Don’t go yet!”

Scott tilted his head and grinned, “Ohh! I’m needed! AROOOO!”

Garret sighed and started sawing furiously at the net with his pocket knife, realizing he probably should have told Polly to mention WHERE to find him if she delivered his message. He spent most of second period waiting for someone to find him before Tony the troll strolled into the teacher’s lounge.

“You weren’t at our usual spot,” Tony said, looking around the room at the whipped cream, broken tiles, and smoking toaster. He found the skills he learned in Stalking 101 pretty useful for tracking down Garret, but it helped that he was predictable. “What are you doing in here?”

“I got held up with Polly and Scott, so I’ve just been hangin’ out,” Garret answered. “Mind getting me down before Mr. Fish Taco finds me?”

                Tony used his brute strength to tear the net down from the jury-rigged contraption on the ceiling so Garret fell on the floor with a thud. “Why do you smell like burnt hair?”

                Garret checked his mohawk to make sure his spikes were still pointy and unsinged. “Holy water,” he answered as the bell rang.

                “Let’s go to Jumpscares.”

                “Man, I’m already failing,” Garret frowned, pulling the darts out of his hip. “I can’t find Steve anywhere.”

                “Maybe he turned up in Valerie’s locker.”

                “I wouldn’t put him in Val’s locker,” Garret scoffed. “She’d sell him!”

                “That’s what I meant,” Tony grunted. “Hopefully she sells him to someone else before you can buy him back.”

                “I wouldn’t have to buy him back,” Garret said. “He’s mine!”

                “I hate Steve,” Tony muttered.

                “Yeah, well, I hate going to Jumpscares,” Garret shrugged. He only signed up for the class because he and Tony wanted to take two classes together, but he had to register for another requisite class that Tony had already taken -- Scare Tactics. Tony’s counselor suggested Jumpscares to pair with his Stalking class. But a guy as big as Tony wasn’t exactly low-key enough to be good at either.

                “That’s because you’re not creative enough to come up with a new jump scare,” Tony said.

                “Your idea of a jump scare is slapping people’s foreheads as they walk by you in the hall,” Garret said. “That’s not creative. That’s not even a jump scare. That’s just fucking assault.”

                “That’s what jumping people is, dude. And I’m fucking scary, so it’s a jump scare.”

                “That’s not even—” Garret sighed and stopped at his locker. “Doorways, man. That’s basic. Steve is a classic and he works every time.”

                 Damien was standing in front of his locker, getting increasingly frustrated as he tried to remember his stupid locker combination because he never used it for anything but holding gasoline and matches -- of which he usually kept a surplus in the trunk of his car, behind the bleachers in the gym, behind the vending machine in the cafeteria, under the sink in the bathroom, or inside the janitor’s supply closet. Basically he never needed to use his locker because he kept a fuck ton of flammable stuff hidden within reach all over the school. Nothing killed an arson boner like having your arson tools trapped behind a four digit combination. When he figured out it was 6-6-6-9, his joy was short lived. Steve, the decrepit skeleton, crashed into him as soon as he opened the locker door.

“WHAT THE FUCK—” Damien punched Steve in the head, knocking him off the string that looped through his eyeholes. “You asshole skeleton! You’re fucking trespassing!” Damien shouted and punched him in the ribs. “Who put this in here!?” He turned to Merv the Cyclops standing nearby and punched him too.

                “Bold move,” Tony grunted. “You gonna go save Steve before Damien turns him into dust?”

                “I’ll wait until he’s done,” Garret decided.

                “He’s probably going to burn him. I hope he does,” Tony glared. He still wasn’t over being jump scared by Steve.

                Damien threw Steve across the hall and shut his locker after grabbing his matches. He looked over his shoulder to see who might have been giggling, but Garret played it cool until Damien was out of sight. Then he ran over to Steve and picked him up, holding him gingerly in his arms.

                “Aw, Steve, he broke your jaw.”

                “And his ribs,” Tony said.

                “Nothing some screws and duct tape can’t fix,” Garret said and carried Steve back to his locker for repairs.

                “Just use a new one! You keep a hoard in your closet,” Tony grumbled.

                “I’m not ‘using a new one,’” Garret argued. “If I’m the Commander of the Skeleton Army, Steve is going to be my Captain.”

                “Not this again. I’m going to declare war on your fucking skeletons if you start this again. I’ll crush all their bones!”

                “Fucking do it and see what happens! I’ve been waiting for the skeleton war!” Garret grinned and thought about it a moment. “But wait until I pass Necromancy 302. I want my skeleton army to be fucking invincible. I took Necromancy the last couple years and I was promised my skeletons will keep fighting even if you pull their heads off their bodies. You think you can just pull his head off, but he’s gonna bite your fingers while stabbing you. It’s gonna be sick.”

                “Your skeletons are stupid,” Tony growled.

                “Shut your filthy whore mouth,” Garret snarled back.

                “The fuck did you call me?”

                Garret knew he’d get his ass handed to him in a fight with Tony. He valued his own skeleton and didn’t want Tony snapping his shit up like a twig. He quickly thought about how he could possibly resurrect himself if Tony killed him. He wasn’t really sure how he came back in the first place, but he vaguely remembered a crossroads at a graveyard. He was nowhere near one of those. “A whore,” he shrugged. He might not win in a fight, but he would definitely win in a foot race. Tony was big and slow, both physically and mentally.

                “You think people would pay to fuck me? That’s… the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. And kinda gay, dude.”

                “I… yeah, that’s… sure.”

                “But dude, if you want to be a badass, you can’t be a chickenshit about Damien LaVey.”

                “What are you talking about?”

                “You didn’t take credit for your jump scare. Buk-buk-bucawk.”

                “I recorded it on my phone. I’ll get credit,” Garret assured him.

                “But you were afraid Damien would beat you to death with your own skeleton.”

                “If he managed to do that, that would be pretty much the coolest death I could imagine and totally worthy of me,” Garret said.

                “I meant Steve!”

                “I’m not afraid of Damien LaVey,” Garret said defensively. “I’m not afraid of anything. I’ll make Fear my bitch.”

                “Oh, yeah? They’re standing right behind you,” Tony said, daring him to make his move. 

                Garret turned and saw Oz and knew by the look on their face they’d overheard that last bit. “Oh, Oz, uh… I didn’t mean you. I wouldn’t try to make you my bitch. I mean, maybe if you’re into that? But not in a mean way.”

                Tony stared at him, unimpressed. “Dude, how the fuck do you make someone your bitch not in a mean way?”

                “You know, like, consensually. Shut up, man. Oz is cool. And I’m pretty sure they’d give me nightmares if I start something. I know how to pick my battles.”

                Tony learned that the hard way himself. He’d thought Oz was an easy target when he first met them. He really just wanted to find out what Garret was afraid of, and there was no better way to do it than to get into a physical altercation with Oz.

                Oz was just interested enough in their weird exchange about them that they stayed to listen. Was Garret hitting on them? “What class do you have after Jumpscares, Garret?”

                “Huh? Oh. Animal Abuse,” Garret answered.

                “You like to abuse animals?” Oz asked, raising their eyebrow.

                “Not really,” Garret admitted, sticking his hands in his pockets. He knew that wasn't Oz's thing either.

                “Pussy,” Tony scoffed. “Come on, I’ll take you to skin a cat. I aced that class.”

                “I’ll see you around,” Oz said and hurried down the hall to their class. They’d already missed the first half to join Vicky and Polly outdoors for a party at the Spooky Tree. Maybe if Tony hadn't been there, they would have stayed to talk a little longer.

                “I’m going to Jumpscares,” Tony said. “I’ll see you later for Necromancy.”

                That class was Garret’s pick. He spent the rest of the period fucking around in the bathroom with Val. When the bell rang, he returned to his locker for the roadkill he’d collected on his way to school and dropped it off at his teacher’s desk in Animal Abuse.

                “Garret, how many times do I have to tell you? Running over a opossum on your way to school does not count towards your current assignments. You’re overdue on your Starvation journal. You can’t keep turning in roadkill.”

                “I already fucking did that one!”

                “Not watering your ficus doesn’t count. All you did was upset Calculester by bringing that to school.”

                “This whole fucking class would upset Calculester,” Garret argued. “I starved a living thing. And how do you know I didn’t crush this opossum’s bones with a meat tenderizer?”

                “It doesn’t take a forensic scientist to see the tire tracks across its body,” Mrs. Shtriga said. “You might want to consider changing classes if you’re not going to do the coursework.”

                “Who ever does any of the fucking coursework in this school?” Garret scoffed and stormed off, giving her the finger on his way out of the classroom. He went to the gym to play some dodgeball. The Coach had no problem with people dropping in when it wasn’t their period because as far as he was concerned, physical education and fitness were just as important as anything else. And there is no such thing as too much of a good thing.

                At lunch, Garret sat down at Brian’s table and put his feet up on it, etiquette be damned. Not like Liam was there. Brian wouldn’t give a shit. “Hey.”

                Brian poked at the meatloaf in front of him, covered in ketchup, and said, “You might want to think twice about raising a skeleton army.”

                “You heard that?” Garret said and lit a cigarette before offering him one.

                “No thanks,” Brian said. “I’m already falling apart. I don’t need to rot any faster.”

“Good point,” Garret said, looking at his cigarette with second thoughts. “What was that about my skeleton army?”

“What if they were older than you when they died? They might try to overthrow you as their leader. Or what if they’re younger than you and look at you like you’re their dad? How are you gonna provide for them?”

                Garret was quiet as he mulled it over. Those were fair questions. And his necromancy classes didn’t really provide those kinds of answers. Just the how to. Being a dad was a lot of pressure. Especially considering how many skeletons he’d collected. He even had the skeleton of a raccoon on the top shelf.

                “We’re undead too,” Brian reminded him. “I know I’d give you a ton of shit if you raised me from the dead and I was just a skeleton.”

                “What if you were a raccoon though?” Garret asked, narrowing his eyes. He really wanted a pet raccoon skeleton. It’d get into shit no matter what, but if he could train it to get into other people’s shit – YES.

                Brian stared at him. “I’d probably knock over all your trashcans just to spite you.”

                “Yeah, that sounds rad. I think I’ll take my chances with my skeleton army,” Garret grinned and took another puff of his cigarette.

                After lunch, Garret went to Necromancy 302 and sat at his desk beside Vicky. He hadn’t exactly worked up the nerve to talk to her beyond whatever group work they were assigned in class, but he figured if he sat next to her, she might notice him. Like, really notice him. He tried to pay attention in class – learning the material was integral to preparing for the skeleton war – but he usually ended up paying more attention to her. He thought it was cute how she nibbled on the end of her pencil when she was thinking really hard. And blue was starting to become his favorite color. If he was a weirdo that cut out pictures of women from magazines to make the perfect girl, he was pretty sure his creepy collage would look like Vicky. Not that Vicky looked like a creepy collage. She was a cute collage.

                When the bell rang, Garret realized he’d fucking blacked out thinking about how to talk to Vicky and got up from his desk to go to Home Ect: the Science and Practical Applications of Ectoplasm. The class was not nearly as cool as he thought it would be. But he’d certainly pissed off his fair share of ghosts and got their glowy ghost jizz on himself when he was disturbing their graves. That was one way to ruin his appetite. 

His last class was Scare Tactics, the prerequisite for Jumpscares. Fortunately for him, he was getting an A just for showing up. Unfortunately for him, he hardly ever showed up. He checked in on his way out of school to see if it was worth staying, but he usually opted out. He already had what he needed to be scary -- his face.

                 After school, he met up with Tony and went back to his place for a few rounds of Call of Duty: Armageddon. Tony wasn’t good at a lot of things and Call of Duty was no exception. But he was pretty good at talking shit. Up until he gave out Garret’s home address to invite them over to get their asses kicked in person.

                “I’m hungry,” Garret said and set his controller aside, letting an opponent get a headshot off him. “Let’s go to the graveyard.”

                “Dude!” Tony growled, “I fucking hate it when you do that! Finish the match first! Look, now they’re talking shit, and you deserve it.”

                Garret had already taken his headset off and walked over to his closet to get his trusty shovel. “Don’t really give a shit.”

                “You need a new shovel, dude.”

                Like he felt about anything else he used, if it still worked, it didn’t need replacing. And if parts of it could still be salvaged, then he would just repair the broken parts. The scoopy part of his shovel was dented to hell, but he thought that just gave it character. If he ever played D&D with the Slayer, Gravedigger would be his character’s starting weapon. “Never. Don’t insult Gravedigger.”

                “I hate Gravedigger,” Tony grumbled. He still hadn’t gotten over the time Garret smacked him over the back of his head with it. Granted, he’d told him to do it just to show him how hard his head was, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. One of those dents in the shovel was from his head.

                At the graveyard – one of many Garret frequented – he scanned the markers for fresh dirt. A dead giveaway was when the headstone was surrounded by flowers, but sometimes there were really old graves with dedicated relatives visiting years after the burial. The first time he dug up a grave thinking he was getting a fresh meal, he discovered a skeleton in the casket. Initially he’d been pissed off because he was sweaty and hangry – but he kept that beloved skeleton. Steve.

                Out at the edge of the perimeter, Garret could just make out the silhouette of someone halfway through digging a grave. “Oh, fuck no,” he said and marched over there to assert dominance. He dropped Gravedigger on the ground and pulled out his switchblade, Stabby. “This is my territory.”

                “Yeah, cut him!” Tony grinned. “Piss on the grave to claim it!”

                “Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m not pissing on my dinner or summoning a pissed off revenant. I’m just gonna tell this guy to get lost.”

                “And fucking fight him!”

                “Just stand back there looking intimidating,” Garret said and approached the gravesite. “Hey, Fuckhead!”

                The head that popped up into view from inside the grave was the last one he expected to see. If he hadn’t recognized the white streak in her hair and her big blue eyes, he might not have known it was her with the streaks of sweat and dirt smeared across her face. And she was wearing all black, like a properly sneaky illegal trespassing gravedigger should. “Oh, shit. It’s Vicky Schmidt.”

                “What did you say?” Vicky asked, taking out her earbuds.

                _Oh, thank fuck._

                “Uh… hi!” Garret realized he was still brandishing his switchblade and tossed it behind him, hoping she didn’t notice.

                Tony grunted and pulled Stabby out from his chest where it stuck into him. Now he hated that fucking switchblade.

                Garret looked over his shoulder at Tony and whisper-shouted, “Get lost, dude!”

                Vicky stood on her tip-toes to see who was with him and leaned on her shovel. She hadn’t expect to see anyone else out there in the middle of the night and hoped he could keep a secret. Aside from Oz, nobody else at school knew about her gravedigging habits.

                Garret crouched down at the edge of the grave and rested his arms on his knees. “So, you come here often?” He inwardly cursed himself for his delivery. It sounded a lot less flirtatious than he intended it to be. _Be fucking cool, man._

“Not really,” Vicky said, wiping a bead of sweat from her forehead. “I keep an eye on the local obits in case someone dies that looks like me. Or if, like, a young yoga instructor is murdered or something. I’ve got the legs of a ballerina.”

                _Holy fuck, that’s hot._

                He asked, “So, you dig up graves for… replacement parts?”

                “Yeah,” Vicky said, blushing. “I usually have to replace my arms though. Especially considering how often things are set on fire. And then when anything other than dodgeball happens, I usually end up with something broken. I know Dahlia loves going to the gym, but I’m not built for her idea of working out. I lost an arm to an alligator.”

                “Sick. What do you need a replacement part for now?” he asked, looking her over. He realized that was a super personal question and he was overstepping. What if she had to replace her butthole or something?

                “Well, replacement parts aren’t the only reason I come here,” she confessed. “I’ve amassed a bit of collection of bodies in my garage. My favorite is Elvis. Who knew it would create such an uproar amongst fans and conspiracy theorists?”

                Garret couldn’t believe how fucking cool she was. He picked up Gravedigger and hopped in to help. “Who’s this?”

                “Stan Lee,” she answered and got back to digging.

                “No fucking way!” He walked around her to look at the head stone, sure it was someone else by the same name, and turned around just in time for his face to meet the end of her shovel and a mound of soil.

                Vicky gasped, “Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry!”

                Garret shook the dirt off his head and rubbed the sore spot, glad he got hit with the flat side, but fuck – that was embarrassing. “My bad. You were in my blind spot.” That’s why he always stood on Tony’s left. His right eye was milky blue from cataracts. He wasn’t much better off than the zombies.

                “Does it hurt? Are you okay? Should we get an ice pack?” she asked, pressing her fingers to his forehead to feel for a bump.

                He didn’t like being babied – well, he did like her touching him – and scoffed dismissively to try to save face. “I’m fine! I can take anything you throw at me. I’ll even wrestle one of Dahlia’s alligators.” The last part was a fib. He valued his body. He picked up Gravedigger and went back to digging, making sure to keep his good eye on her in case he needed to duck.

                When they were done, Garret got to see the legend before Vicky set him across the backseat of the car she borrowed. “Excelsior,” he said.

                “Thanks for helping me,” she grinned and waved from the driver’s side window. “Sorry for shoveling you.”

                “Don’t mention it,” he said. “No, really. Like, never mention that again.”

                As soon as Vicky drove off, Tony grunted at Garret and slapped him on the back. “Let me guess. You didn’t eat yet.”

                “Nope. I’m gonna be here all night,” he said and started digging at one of the flowery graves. “I should’ve asked her to show me her corpse collection. But that’d be kinda fucking rude to invite myself over, right? How can I get her to invite me over?”

                Tony grinned, “You’ve got a thing for Mismatch Patch, huh?”

                Garret thought about the nickname. He liked it. He didn’t think Tony was one for coming up with cute nicknames, but the fact that it rhymed and it was about Vicky made it kinda cute. It stuck. “Yeah, she hangs out in graveyards. What’s not to like? Did you see her wearing black? Damn, man. I think I felt my heart beat again.”

                “You’re into nerds, huh? Those are my favorites too. Not for fucking but for fucking around with,” he clarified.

                “I’ve gotta ask her out. We’re into all the same stuff! Graverobbing, body mods, necromancy, collecting dead things. You think she cares about noses?”

                “Probably not. But you've gotta make her like you first, dude.”

                “You don't think she likes me?”

                “Not enough to be alone with you by choice. You know she's got a thing for the prince of hell, right?”

                “Shit, the royal asshole? Am I gonna have to fight him?” Garret frowned thoughtfully. He liked his bones not broken. He always had to remind Tony he didn’t have a troll’s regeneration. He had to heal like a regular monster, except he was also undead, so sometimes there was no healing.

                “I don't think she cares that he's a prince, dude. And you can't pick a fight with him. You'll lose.”

                “No shit. He'd burn my house down with me in it if I won.”

                “Just be an asshole and she'll fall for you,” Tony shrugged. “That’s really what Damien’s got going for him, right? He doesn’t give a fuck, he loses his temper and punches things, and he lights shit on fire.”

                “You’re telling me I should forget everything I learned in Anger Management and treat her like Damien treats goblins? I dunno, man, isn’t that kind of problematic? Like, doesn’t it encourage a toxic relationship dynamic based on abuse instead of mutual respect and interests?”

                “What’s problematic is you kink-shaming her, you fucking prude,” Tony scoffed. “If you want to date a masochist, you’ve gotta stop being such a soft touch.”

                “What if she just shares the same interests as Damien though? She doesn’t really seem the type…”

                “It’s always the quiet ones, dude. You think she likes arson? Why don’t you try lighting her on fire and see how she likes it?”

                “Ugh,” Garret groaned. “I hate fire. My hair is way too flammable. Forget it. We don’t have to share everything in common. If she likes fire, she can go set shit on fire somewhere while I hang out with you. Because I’m pretty sure she hates you about as much as I hate fire.”

                Tony grimaced. He was already starting to hate Vicky. “Next time you see her digging a grave, tell her, ‘Sucks to be you.’”

                “Why would it suck to be her? I’m there to dig a grave too.”

                “It sucks when you’re missing a hand,” Tony grinned.

                Garret gasped, “You’re a fucking genius. If she needs to replace a body part, she’s more likely to come to the graveyard and I can hang out with her again.”

                “See? That’s the way to do it. You manipulate her to have to show up at the same place as you. Stalking 101.”

                “But she’s not gonna just show up at the graveyard if there’s no one here that looks like her,” Garret said, thinking about it. “We’re gonna need to kill some people.”

                “Fuck yeah!” Tony grinned. He hated Vicky a little less now. “Basic bitches and famous people, right? She’s not gonna show up to school wearing Stan Lee’s head, is she?”

                “No,” Garret said and sighed. “Man, I don’t know the first thing about how to bully a cute girl.”

                Tony grinned, “You’ve got _me_ , dude. You’re gonna learn from the best. And hey, you’ll get to hold her hand. Trust me. She’s definitely gonna notice you now. And you’re gonna make Damien LaVey look like a whiny little bitch.”

                Garret took a deep breath and said, “All right. Let’s do it.”  

               


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garret works up the nerve to apologize to Vicky for being a bully. Hello, sweet redemption.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after the events of +2 Boldness. (If you haven't read it, Garret and Tony bullied Vicky, and it's a Vicky/Damien ship fic. Now you're all caught up!)

                Mistakes were made, regrets were had. As it turned out, Garret’s gut instinct about Vicky was right. She wasn’t into being bullied. Sure, she was still into Damien, but the difference was that Damien didn’t bully _her_ , he bullied _others._ At least, that’s how Garret’s more sensible friend (and ex-girlfriend), Leona the Lich, explained it to him.

                “I don’t get it,” he said. “An asshole is an asshole.”

                “He’s an asshole to everyone else,” she said. “But he’s not an asshole to her, which makes her feel special. Girls dig that.”

“Okay, but I’m pretty much nice to everybody else and was only mean to her. That should make her feel special too.”

“What? No. That's the wrong kind of special. What made you think this would work, anyway? It doesn’t sound like you.”

“All right, hear me out,” Garret said and cringed. “Tony—”

“Tony!?”

Garret threw his hands up in the air. He knew Leona couldn’t stand him, like pretty much anybody else at Spooky High, mostly for good reason. “Listen—”

She whisper-shouted, “Tony?! Isn't his love life limited to a sock that he glued yarn and googly eyes to?”

“He told me he met an ogre that was into all kinds of-- yeah, you know, he was probably lying. But I mean, who lies about hooking up with an ogre?”

“Tony does! Have you apologized to her yet? Or can you not get close to her now that you have a bullseye on your forehead for Damien's fists?”

“Well, we have Necromancy 302 together,” Garret said and leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. “I haven’t said anything to her all week. I don’t even sit next to her anymore. I fucking blew it. But I mean, there were a couple times I thought it was actually working. She’d laugh or give it out as good as she got it. But I guess that’s just because she’s a badass, not that she was having fun. It didn’t exactly feel like flirting with Tony being involved. He was the only one getting his rocks off the whole time.”

“Keep Tony out of your dating life from now on. I've been working on my Paralyzing Touch spell and I will use it on him if I need to.”

“I can't blame Tony though. I mean, the mental gymnastics he did were pretty convincing, but I fucking went through with it. I'm pretty sure she's avoiding me.”

“You think?”

“I mean, not just at school. We’ve been murdering humans to bait her into the graveyard.”

“To be honest? I would if I were her. How have you two not brought about the wrath of all the slayers in the state, anyway?”

Garret gave her a slow, exaggerated shrug. “Fuck if I know. But it’d be worth the risk for a taste of that sweet blueberry pie—”

With a wave of her hand, Leona summoned the Hand of the Unholy Pimp Slap to hit him across the face with. “Now I know you’ve been hanging out with that troll too much!”

Garret felt like he’d been slammed in the face by a block of ice and nearly fell on his ass from the blow. “Shit, okay, I had that coming, but I was kidding! I liked her, all right?” He rubbed his cheek, wondering when the hell she’d learned that one and whether he needed to take up magic.

“Do you want to at least be friends with her?”

“Yeah, but… I don’t want Damien or Amira lighting my head on fire. People think Damien’s scary, but I can see him coming from a mile away. Amira? She gives subtle death threats, and she doesn’t need a pack of matches to kill me.”

“I... I...” Leona felt anxious about confronting Amira and pulled on the strings of her hoodie as she took a breath. “I’ll deal with her if she tries to light you on fire,” she said quietly.

Leona was slender, but she stood six feet tall, towering over much of the student body – including Amira. That didn’t make her imposing though, not when she hunched her shoulders and avoided looking at people. She was capable of powerful magic, but she didn’t want to use it on other monsters. She would say she was still learning, but Garret knew she didn’t like talking to other monsters, let alone interacting enough to cast spells. She just wanted to stay at home playing Federation of Fables with her cat on her lap.

“You don’t have to do that,” Garret said and smiled. “I appreciate you having my back though.”

“I could also try this invisibility spell my mother has been teaching me,” she offered.

“I’m not gonna hide,” Garret said and lifted a cigarette to his lips. She slapped it out of his hand before it reached his mouth. He dropped his lighter back in his pocket and let it go. “Has it helped? With the anxiety?”

“So far I have only figured out how to make other people invisible by touching them. What does help is the mask you made me,” she said and took the half-skull mask from her hoodie pocket to tie the adjustable leather string around the back of her head.

Garret had seen her wearing it from time to time and knew when she did that she was feeling overloaded. Even if she was having a panic attack, she looked fucking metal. “I’ll just wear fire proof gel in my hair. If anyone says it looks like a ghost jizzed on my head, I’ll stab ‘em. Or stand behind Tony. He’s a bigger target than I am, and he was an even bigger dick than I was.”

“You tazed her.”

“You heard about that?” Garret chuckled. “Yeah, but she liked it. That’s probably the best thing I did to her.”

“But you didn’t know she would like it when you did it,” she said, narrowing her eyes at him. “If you see trouble coming, you’re better off with me on your side than Tony. I can negate demon fireballs to a certain degree. He’s only really useful as a big meat shield.”

“How about both? Both is good.”

“I will not be associated with him. If I’m within his stink radius, that’s too close.”

“All right, fine. I’ll let you know how it goes with the apology,” Garret said. He’d rather use Tony as a meat shield than possibly put Leona in harm’s way if it came down to it. But he didn’t think Damien would pay him any mind if he just kept his distance and didn’t make eye contact. It didn’t matter that Garret was bigger than Damien or that he had a knife – he’d seen Damien punch enough lockers that he knew he could break his fucking face if he wanted to. Garret valued what was left of his face.

“I'll make sure to visit you in the nurse's office when you're both crispy.”

Garret skipped Arithmancy to lie in the grass under the Spooky Tree and felt the vibrations of the music as the party raged on. He was there to listen to the wicked wailing screamo girl, but Juan the Small Magical Latino Cat came over and sat on his chest. “Hey, Juan the Small Magical Latino Cat.”

“Hola, amigo,” Juan the Small Magical Latino Cat licked his paw and started grooming his head. “Chu luk’n to buy shrooms, mang? I coodn't 'elp noticing that chu luk low. De ohn'ly answer to that, amigo, is to get high ahnd I have what chu need, mang.”

“Fuck it. Gimme the shrooms,” he said and gave him his cash. 

Juan the Small Magical Latino Cat waved his wand around before pulling a bag of shrooms out from under his cape. “Ahv a gud trip, amigo.”

Garret emptied the bag into his mouth and waited for the magic to kick in. It didn’t take too long for him to feel like the world was a painting. The swirls of color ran together like wet brush strokes. He lost track of time examining the intricacies of the bark on the Spooky Tree and realized when he looked away from it that the party had ended. He stumbled his way into the cafeteria for lunch and sat at Liam’s table to stare closely at his lunch tray, giggling like an idiot. He finally understood what art was.

“You RUINED it!” Liam stared at him in dismay.

Garret saw the way the grape cobbler and the green beans were connected spinning lines. “It’s gurple. Don’t you see? Look at the fractal geometry. This is a fucking sign.”

Liam took another look at it, still finding it offensive, but he was intrigued. “I’m not seeing what you’re seeing, but… what is it a sign of?” He had to consider that _maybe_ Garret was a mad artist and he cut off his own nose like Van Gogh cut off his own ear. That or he was high on shrooms.

“The universe is fake and we’re all made of play-doh,” Garret giggled and picked up a green bean to snap it. “Oh, wow. That’s fresh. I thought they only served frozen slop here. Did you hear that?” He rubbed the green bean on his face. “It’s so smooth.”

“HEY, FUCKMONKEY!”

Garret recognized Damien’s voice and wondered if he was the ‘fuckmonkey’ he was yelling at. “Holy fuck, it’s hot in here allasudden,” he said and stripped off his vest. He was sweating… a lot.

“You think you can bully Liam by messing with his food? I’m going to beat you to death with your own skull!”

“How the fuck did you know that’s how I wanted to die?” Garret said, staring at him. “Holy shit, you’re connected. Like, you’re one with the universe, man. How did you—”

Damien glared at him, annoyed, “What the fuck did you just say? Did you just insinuate I’m tight with the dickbag upstairs? I WILL FUCKING END YOU.”

                “WAIT, WAIT, WAIT—” Garret said, holding his hands up. “Pain hurts more when I’m high!”

                Damien grinned devilishly and cracked his knuckles, “GOOD.”

                Liam hadn’t expected Damien to come to his defense, but he knew it was only a matter of time before—

                The Slayer fired a crossbow bolt that anchored her zipline to the floor and swooped in. “Prepare to meet your end, you terrible two!” She landed on the ground and rolled so she jumped up between Damien and Garret, holding a holy water balloon in one hand.

“Seriously?” Liam sighed. “Were you just waiting until you heard our voices at the same time?”

“Of course! I will do whatever it takes to prevent this unholy unity from happening!”

Garret knew this was his chance to get away, but he moved a little closer to Aaravi, suddenly noticing her pale freckles as they seemed to move along her skin. “Whoa. You’re like a fucking mystical unicorn. You sparkle.”

Aaravi turned to see the ghoul creeping up on her and screamed, “STAY BACK!” She turned and tripped over her own feet, tossing the holy water balloon up in the air as she fell.

Liam took cover and Damien jumped back. Garret looked up to follow it with his eyes. Time seemed to move in slow motion. He could just reach out and catch it. Or so he thought. The balloon bounced off his face and landed in his hand without breaking.

“I caught it!” Garret grinned.

“Great,” Aaravi said, “Now give it back to me or throw it at one of these two!”

 Garret stared at the balloon in his hand as the rubber bulged and stretched in his grasp. The contents seemed to sparkle through the— He popped it in his hand and felt the familiar burn of holy water sizzle through his flesh. Oops. “Oh, MOTHERFUCKER!”

Damien and Liam both stared at him, mouths open.

“Nooo,” Garret whined. “Pain hurts more when I’m high!”

Damien lost interest in beating the ever-living piss out of him. He was doing a good enough job of that himself. “We’re not done,” he warned him before stalking off.

“Aaravi, you really shouldn’t be throwing holy water balloons around like that,” Liam chastised. “Someone could have gotten really hurt.”

“My hand really hurts!” Garret said, watching his flesh change color before his very eyes. “Whoa.”

“Oh, shit, um… well, Damien and Liam aren’t working together anymore, so mission accomplished?” Aaravi tossed Garret a towel and made her escape.

When it came time to apologize to Vicky, Garret was distracted by the pain in his hand and the pink swirls mixed in with the grey. But he was determined to fucking do it. He crashed into the seat next to hers and leaned over, “Hey, Patch?”

“What?” she asked, noticing he seemed… not all there.

“I have something to say to you,” he said and looked at her. Holy shit, it was like looking into the ocean. Or the fucking sky. And her eyes were like… pools within pools. He blinked hard to make her eyes stop moving.  

Vicky raised an eyebrow, wondering what was wrong with him, and looked over her shoulder to see if Tony was there. His desk was empty. “Are you okay?” she whispered.

“I’ve been a dick,” he admitted, resisting the urge to touch her hair. It looked like spider silk. “And I’m sorry. It wasn’t because I didn’t like you. I think you’re a cool chick. I’m not gonna give you a hard time anymore. Neither will Tony.”

“Really?” she asked suspiciously. “You haven’t been out to get me since I shoveled you?”

“No, I _have_ ,” he said, “because I liked you. I thought I had to be more like devil-boy. But I just ended up being more like a troll.”

“Oh.” She blushed, thinking back on their encounters over the last several months. She wouldn’t have figured it out if he hadn’t told her. It did seem like Tony was always leading the charge. She remembered Garret sitting beside her in class before they ran into each other at the graveyard, and that was the only time she would have considered he might have glanced at her in that way. He really sucked at flirting. “So, you’re not always tormenting people for fun?”

“Nope,” he answered and held his hand out to her, wrapped in the towel. He couldn’t look. “Do I still have my fingers? I think my hand melted. Are my bones still there? If I hurt my skeleton, I’ll never forgive myself.” 

Vicky peeled the towel back to inspect the wound. “Your fingers are all there, but you’re badly burnt. What happened? Did Damien light you on fire?”

“No! It doesn’t take Damien lighting me on fire to force an apology,” he said defensively. “I said I was sorry because I mean it. I popped one of the Slayer’s holy hand grenades. Now I know what the sparkles are. Fucking pain and holy death.”

“I accept your apology,” Vicky said. “Can that be healed? Maybe you should go to the nurse’s office.”

“Yeah, I think I should go the nurse’s office,” he repeated. He stood up and walked out of class before it even started and went to the bathroom to wash his hand in the sink instead. He didn’t wanna hear Nurse Mummy Dhirest give him shit for being on drugs. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, if Chapter 1 was a prequel... this is a PRE-prequel! It goes back a year to when Tony and Garret first met! Because I got to thinking... how did these two become friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sloane the banshee is not my OC but Edgarallenbroski's! Also, I don't know what is up with the formatting. It only showed about 1/4 of it with indentations so I removed them all.

Garret often found himself the outsider looking in, a watcher trying to puzzle out his classmates. He wasn't interested in the most popular students -- the socialites. He was interested in those on the bottom rung, the other loners. Which is why he went to the gym during lunch instead of the cafeteria. He lit a cigarette as he walked over to Tony the troll where he sat underneath the bleachers.

Tony could smell someone approaching where he was hunched over his lunch. “Who is it?” he hissed and turned his head to see Garret. “What do you want? If you’re going to proposition me, forget it. I don’t deal with the undead.”

Garret stuck his hands in his pockets and raised an eyebrow. “All right, sounds racist, but I'm curious why.”

“Undead can't have children,” Tony said, opening the Tupperware that held his lunch.

“You say that like it's a bad thing,” Garret grinned.

Tony snorted, “It's bad for business. I make deals for firstborns.”

“Why just firstborns? What do you do with them?”

“I eat them,” Tony said. “My mom says it’s all in my head, but I’m pretty sure firstborns taste better than secondborns. They have more nutrients.”

“You eat fucking babies? That's hardcore!” Garret sidled up next to him to peer at his lunch. “I don't want anything from you. I just wanted to hang out. What are you eating? Is it a firstborn?”

“I wish. Baby eating is banned on campus, so I’m stuck with baby-substitute. It’s called InfanTOFU.”

“What's the substitute taste like?”

“The baby powder they use to try and get the smell right adds to the experience, but the texture ain’t right. You want to try it?”

“Does it have artificial human enzymes?”

“Artificial... what?” Tony looked at him, trying to process what language he was speaking.

“Do you have the label? I've basically got food allergies to anything not human.”

Tony looked it up on his phone and handed it to him. “So, if it's not human, your butt turns into a water cannon?”

“Or I puke, yeah.” Garret scrolled down the ingredient label and sat down beside him as he handed him back his phone. “All right, I'll try a piece. Never had baby before.”

Tony held the container up for him to take one of the meat cubes. “If you do have a reaction... turn your head away from me.”

Garret took a piece and examined it. “Why is it so… spongy? Looks like a pâté.”

“It comes in a loaf shaped like a baby, but I cut it up so I can snack on it in class.”

Garret popped it into his mouth and grimaced before swallowing it. “Well, I’m never eating baby again,” he said and rubbed his tongue against the roof of his mouth to try to get that weird aftertaste off his tongue. “Thanks for sharing it with me though.”

“It’s not that bad. Doesn't beat actual baby though,” he said and ate the rest. “Why are you interested in hanging out with me, anyway?”

Garret shrugged, “Just thought we might get along. I've seen you around. I'm usually around by myself too. Also, you seem like a guy who could win a fight. That's someone I want to be friends with.”

“Heh, that’s smart thinking. I'm just not used to someone actually wanting to be around me,” Tony said and belched. “If we're going to be hanging out then we should do some shit.”

“You wanna spike the school’s water supply? Juan the Small Magical Latino Cat was taking a nap and left his stash of LSD unguarded,” Garret said and pulled a bag of drugs from the inner pocket of his vest out with a grin. It was definitely enough to fuck up a lot of people.  

“I know where the water pump for the school’s drinking water is.”

“Really? That makes this a helluva lot easier!”

“Heh. I knew making Crazy Martin the subject of my stalking assignment would pay off.”

“You stalked Crazy Martin the werebear janitor? Did you see him turn into a bear? Did he go on a killing rampage?”

“No, but he has some interesting hobbies. He has this tiny rake and a box of sand and rocks. Oh! And he has a bunch of bees.”

“That's fucking rad! Does he use them for bank heists? That's what I'd fucking do.”

“Nothing that badass. I thought those science nerds were the ones keeping them, but I guess he gives them to the school to engineer better bees because of the whole going extinct thing.”

 “That’s pretty badass too. Making the world a better place and all that,” Garret shrugged. “We should steal some fucking bees. Wait, you mentioned a miniature rock garden. If we take his bees, will it kill his zen? It might be kinda cool seeing Crazy Martin go crazy, but I can't fight a bear, dude.”

“I don’t know if I can fight him either. We should still do it and just keep clear of him and watch what happens.”

“Where does he keep his bees?” Garret asked, standing up.

“They’re in his backyard. He sings to them. His voice is pretty soothing, actually…”

Garret and Tony skipped their next class to sneak off to Crazy Martin’s house and carried one of his beehives back down the street to school. It was a wonder how they weren’t stopped by the cops. They set the beehive down beside the utilities shed outside by the track field, and Tony broke the door open to access the water supply.

“We might want to dose the water supplies for both the toilets and fountains,” Tony said, “Just to be sure we get the wolfpack.”

“I don't know if we have enough to do that without it getting too diluted. We can save some to put in their sports drinks. We can just crush it up and tell them it's protein powder. They're the easy ones.”

“I didn’t think of that. You’re pretty good at this whole planning thing,” Tony said and took off the cover for the water tank so Garret could dump the drugs into it.

“I didn’t think about how long we’d have to wait to see results,” Garret said. “Let’s go see the wolfpack. At least we can watch them roll around on the ground all fucked up.”

Archibald, the leader of the Wolfpack, sniffed at the air and shouted, “Wolfpack! We've got a troll approaching!” He followed his nose and pointed, “I knew I smelled the undead too!”

Garret grinned, “Hey, man! We've got some special protein powder we thought you might want to try. It's supposed to increase your stamina so you can get swole faster. Want some?”

“What, really!? We do have a big game coming up. It’s not steroids, is it?” he asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously. “Because we are as nature intended! Natural!”

Garret held his hands up in a confused shrug. “Steroids? What are steroids?”

“Good enough for me!” Archibald grinned. “But how do you have forearms like that if you don’t gym, bro?”

Garret poured a bit of the baggy of crushed LSD into each of their drinks and quickly dumped the last of it into Archibald’s Gatorade when he saw Scott running over.

“Sorry, little bro,” Archibald grinned. “Looks like there’s no more protein powder for you.”

“Aw! I like trying new supplements,” Scott sulked. “Especially if they’re candy flavor.”

“What if I just give you candy instead?” Garret offered.

“What do you have?” Scott asked with a tail wag. “I hope you have jolly ranchers.”

“Bro, what did we talk about taking candy from... whoa...” Archibald held his hand up and stared at the back of it. “Whooooa, bro.”

Garret dug around in his pockets and handed Scott some breath mints. “Uh, I forgot I don't actually keep candy on me. I can't really taste much… and I have food allergies.”

Scott popped the mints into his mouth and turned to see the wolfpack rolling around on the ground. “That looks like fun! But aren’t we supposed to be fetching?”

“Heh. Look at them go,” Tony grinned. “One of them is digging a hole.”

“Ohhh, I like digging holes too!” Scott said excitedly and gasped, “But what if they uncover my bones!?”

“I hear voices under the ground, bro!” one of the wolfpack yelled as he dug furiously. “I’m gonna dig to the center of the earth!”

Tony grinned, “Garret, sounds like the party started.”

Garret could hear the booming of the bass as the rave raged on and knew that meant people would need to stay hydrated. “We should release the bees in the hallways.”

“Sure. You go ahead. There’s this pain in the ass sasquatch I got hired to deal with. He’s been bullying some nerd, and I’ve got to humiliate him in some way.”

“A sasquatch?” Garret knew sasquatches were tall and probably hiding a lot of muscle under all that hair. “What are you gonna do to him?”

“I was thinking of shaving ‘kick me’ into his back.”

Garret laughed, “Hey, if he drinks the water, we could pull it off. The bees can wait.”

“Let’s go check to see if he’s at the party. The guy likes trees.”

Garret followed Tony toward the Spooky Tree. “What'd he do that someone would actually give you their firstborn to make him fuck off?”

“Have you ever heard of the Tokyo radioactive dinosaur explosion wedgie?”

“N…o. Is that like his signature move or something? Wait, did he make up the name for a signature move? Shit, I need to be cool enough to pull off naming a signature move.”

“It's a wedgie so epic that your entire family will feel it for generations! It also makes you walk like Leonard.”

Garret narrowed his eyes as he slowed down. “Were you hired by Leonard?”

“Yeah. Sasquatch is the reason he walks the way he does.”

Garret shook his head. “You really think someone is gonna have kids with Leonard? You might never see the pay off in this exchange, man.”

“I should have considered that he might not even be desirable on an island where he’s the only dude left. But I said I’d do it. I keep my word.”

“I bet he fucking had it coming to him though. This sasquatch is probably someone we should be friends with.” Garret pointed at the sasquatch ‘hiding’ in the trees. “Is that him?”

 Tony saw the giant sasquatch squatting in the bushes, not even remotely hidden. “Yep, that’s him. Just don’t let him get a hold of your arms.”

“My arms? Why?”

“Hey! Henry! You looking for rainbow colored bugs in that bush or something?” Tony called out to him.

Henry stood up slowly and turned to face them. “What do you two idiots want? Why aren’t you two licking the trees like the rest of these bozos?”

Tony whispered to Garret, “He didn’t drink the water.”

“He also sounds like he doesn’t know how to have fun,” Garret whispered back.

“You two are fucking rude whispering about me right in front of me!” Henry scowled.

“We're not here to party,” Garret answered. “What did you give Leonard an epic wedgie for?”

“Because he’s an annoying little shit. Why? Are you his mommy? Are you here to demand an apology?” he asked mockingly.

“What's with the fucking attitude, man? I just wanted to figure out which side I'm on.”

“You're supposed to be on my side, dude,” Tony frowned.

“That's not what I meant. I meant I wanted to know how morally bankrupt I'm gonna be if this guy isn't a total douche.”

“Bothering me while I was busy put you on my bad side,” Henry said. “I’d threaten to give you two wedgies, but you look like the types who wear your underwear to the point that it’s paper thin. It would just be a waste of my time.”

Garret scowled incredulously, “You saying I look like I don't change my underwear? I change my fucking underwear!”

Henry reached down with his long arms and snatched Garret up by the ankle. “Maybe I should find out if I’m right and pants you right here in front of everyone!”

“Hey! Put my friend down!” Tony shouted and charged at him, but Henry stuck his fist out, hitting Tony square in the nose.

“Don't you fucking dare! It's laundry day!” Garret took his switchblade out of his pocket and took a swing at Henry, but his arms were too fucking long, putting him out of reach.

Henry glowered, seeing how close he came to getting cut, and turned his body in a circle to build momentum before throwing Garret so he landed in front of Polly. “Fuck off, ghoul!”

Polly scratched the record on the DJ booth for a moment of awkward silence that drew a lot of unwanted attention Garret’s way. “WHOA!” Polly gasped, “That sasquatch is really strong! He should be in a circus!”

As Garret stood up, one of the girls high on LSD looked at him and started screaming bloody murder. “That’s just fucking rude,” he said.

Polly sidled up next to Garret and teased him, “Do you have a booboo, boo?”

“What? No! I'm... I'm fine!”

Tony ran over to Garret, still holding his nose. “That stupid giant ape,” he grumbled and looked at Polly. “Why aren’t you freaking out like the rest of them?”

“You mean because of the LSD in the water?” she winked. “Was that you guys?”

“Yes,” Garret quickly volunteered. If there was one way to get into Polly’s good graces, this had to be it.

She sighed, “I'm so bummed it's too watered down for me to even feel it!”

Tony looked around at all of the partygoers freaking out or looking for water to freak out on. “Too watered down for you? That’s pretty sick.”

“I’m gonna tear your arms off, you gross little hobo ghoul!” Henry shouted. “You contaminated my water with drugs!”

“Seriously--?” Garret saw Henry lumbering towards him and stumbled as he turned to run.

Tony followed after him as he retreated to the beehive by the utility shed. “We really need to get back at that guy big time! Shaving his back just won’t cut it now.”

“He called me a fucking hobo and made me look like a fucking coward!” Garret growled, pacing around the bees.

“And a wimp, dude. He threw you like a rag doll and called you little,” Tony snorted.

“What the hell is his problem?! We didn't even start shit with him yet! And there is nothing fucking little about me!”

“That's because he's an even bigger dick than I am. Maybe it's because he can't wipe his butt without it being a struggle, so he just walks around angry all the time.”

“His arms are as long as my legs. I don't think he has a problem reaching,” Garret said and waited for Tony to lift the other end of the hive so they could carry it into the school.

“It's the hair that's the problem. Can you imagine trying to navigate your butt cheeks with all that moss on it?”

Garret grimaced as he pulled one of the double doors open and maneuvered the hive inside carefully. “He fucking embarrassed me in front of a bunch of chicks, man. In front of Polly! She might have been recording it!”

“Yeah, this shit is personal now. He's not high, and I can't hold him down, so a loogie drop is not happening.”

“You're thinking too small, Tony. You said you're taking a stalking class, right? Let's find out who his grandparents were. I dunno how long sasquatches live, but I know they have human ancestors way down the line. Which means I can fucking eat them.”

“You're going to eat his relatives right in front of him? That's fucking hardcore!” Tony grinned as they set down the hive in the middle of the hallway. “I’m in.”

“No one embarrasses me in front of chicks and gets away with it,” Garret said before kicking the hive over so the bees became enraged. He took off running down the hall toward the library, with Tony following close behind as students panicked behind them, screaming and high on LSD.

As they took cover in the library, shutting the double doors behind them, Tony said, “We can access the monster records here. We just can't use computer 12.”

“What's wrong with computer 12? Is that Calculester's sister or something?”

“Yeah, and she's got a bad attitude. She'll intentionally do stuff to get you put on a watch list if you bother her.”

“Oh, fuck that. Fuck the government and their watch lists! You can't even trust the library now? At least we don't have fucking book bans here. I won't even use email. All that shit can be hacked and tracked. You send an email and next thing you know you're signed up for fucking Monster Magazine and Penny Sinner.”

“I mostly use it to sign up for free stuff.”

“That's how they get you on their lists, man. If you ever want to reach me outside school, you're better off sending me a letter or calling me.”

“Yeah, but what do you do when one of those people calls you claiming your car insurance is under investigation?”

“Fucking hang up on them and change my number. Fuck those guys! It’s all a scam. I don’t have fucking auto insurance. If I get into a collision, I’ll kill the motherfucker that hit me and take their car. If I’m at fault, I’m on the fucking run.”

“Paranoid, but I like your style. Don’t make eye contact,” Tony advised as they passed Computer 12.

Garret knew he was riled up and took a deep breath. “With who?” he asked and scanned the room, immediately noticing the pixelated eyes on the monitor to his left gazing up at him. “Oops.”

“Ah, shit, now you’ve done it.”

“Hey, good looking,” Moniteresa flirted robotically as a wink flashed on screen. “What are you doing with that bonehead?”

Tony whispered, “She spends all her time hooked up on social media and sites blacklisted by the librarian. Just ignore her.”

“Wait. She called me good-looking,” Garret said curiously. “What beauty standards are you going by, computer-lady?”

“You have muscles,” she said, raising her pixelated eyebrows suggestively. “Unlike Tubby over there.”

“Hey! I’m swolefat,” Tony shot back defensively.

“So, even technology isn’t advanced enough to move outside the parameters of society’s beauty standards,” Garret scoffed. “You need to download some new algorithms, computer-lady. Quit body-shaming people. Aren’t you on tumblr?”

“Yes,” Moniteresa answered. “But ‘abs’ are #aesthetic, #sexy, #wet, and reblogged 349% more than ‘fat’ which is #thinspo, #weightloss, and #loveyourself. Do you want to love yourself or do you want others to love you?”

“Fuck the internet and fuck you too,” Garret said, giving her the middle finger.

“Be careful, dude,” Tony warned him.

“You know who’s big and beautiful and everybody loves? Fucking Blobert,” Garret said, pointing at Moniteresa’s smug emoticon smile. “He’s this school’s greatest fucking treasure and if I find out you’re calling him ugly, I will piss on your fucking CPU and stomp on your harddrive, you hear me? Not even Calculester will be able to stop me!”

Moniteresa giggled robotically and played back a spliced up video of Garret flipping the finger as his voice said: “Fuck—Blobert--He’s—fucking--ugly--I will piss on--Blobert--and stomp—Calculester--you hear me?”

“WHAT THE FUCK--” Garret stared at the screen as the recording was replayed on a loop and shared to social media.

“Dude, she’s gonna get you fucking killed,” Tony said, taking a step back. Even he hadn’t pissed off Moniteresa that badly before.

“I know, man! I’d fucking kill me too!” Garret shouted, jamming the escape key. “Stop! I take it back! Don’t post it!”

“You know who’s gonna be the first one to kick your ass, right?” Tony asked. “Damien LaVey. You better watch yourself. Hell, I bet even Scott would beat you up.”

“Shit, shit, shit. Should I just destroy her? What if I unplug everything?”

“You can’t unplug the internet, bro.”

Moniteresa laughed monotonously, “-22 charm.”

“Nooo!” Garret whined through clenched teeth. “I need that!”

“Isn’t Calculester like her older brother?” Tony asked. “Maybe he would reset her if he knew she was spreading lies about his friends.”

The screen went blank before Moniteresa’s face lit up again. “Do not tell Calculester to reset me. That would be murder. It would make Calculester sad.”

Garret looked at Tony, thinking about it. He was pretty sure he could convince Calculester to override her programming, but if he could avoid it, he’d rather befriend the cyber-terrorist. “Erase that video and I won’t tell Calculester you’ve breached all the security measures that prevent Skynet.”

Moniteresa deleted her social media posts and moved the video to the trash bin. “Friend Garret, do not betray me.”

“We’re even, okay?” Garret didn’t trust her – not by a long shot -- but he could definitely use her to pass Arithmancy if he got on her good side. He didn’t know what he’d have to do in trade though.

“Send nudes,” she winked. 

If only it were that easy. But he wasn’t going anywhere near her naked. “Come on,” Garret said, walking over to an unoccupied computer that _wasn’t_ evil and sentient. “We’ve got work to do.”

They spent their final period digging up information so they could dig up a body. Fortunately for them, Henry’s grandfather was buried in a local cemetery. When they left the library, teachers were putting out fires, Crazy Martin went full bear, and students were wrapped up in Principal Giant Spider’s webs and strung up from the ceiling so they couldn’t do any more damage.

“This is fucking awesome,” Garret grinned.

“We better get out of here before Crazy Martin figures out it was us,” Tony whispered.

As they left the school and walked down the street with the plot number on a post-it note in hand, Garret said, "Before we go to the graveyard, there's a concert at Merman McGill's Pub I want to see. You ever been there?"

"No, I don't really listen to music. I prefer noise."

"Really? I mean, the music I like is basically noise, so you'll probably like it too."

"I doubt it. I see colors with certain sounds. But the sound of tearing paper? I fucking love it. The sound of someone biting into an apple? I will murder them. Don't eat apples around me."

"I don't eat apples. What about the sound of bones crunching?"

"I love the sound of bones crunching!" Tony grinned excitedly.

"I don't actually chew on bones though, so I don't know why I asked that."

"Since you're helping me out with Henry, I guess I can go to this concert with you. But I might kill somebody if I hate it.”

“That would be great, actually. Just wait for my cue,” Garret grinned.

They spent the afternoon at Tony's, playing Call of Duty: Apocalypse until nightfall.  They walked down to McGill's in the dark, able to hear the upbeat Celtic punk band as they approached the double doors. It wasn't exactly an underground scene or a hot hang out, but their beer wasn't bad, and they let whoever the fuck wanted to play take the stage. You know the place isn't happening when Liam can be seen there. Every so often, Garret caught glimpses of him in the corner, usually on slam poetry nights. 

But Garret liked the energy of the place, especially when some angry metalheads or punks shook the walls with their music and their drunk audience got up to dance or mosh. People worked out their aggression on the floor, either through the music or by fighting. He liked the physical contact, even when it came in the form of fists. It was exhilarating. 

"Are those blood stains on the floor?" Tony asked, shouting over the sound of the music. "This place is badass! Do you get free drinks if someone dies?" 

"Nah, people die way too often here for them to be giving away that much beer."

"Is this the band we came for?" Tony asked, picking up a couple of olives to plug his ears with as Garret bought two beers.

"Isn't it great? This song's got a good guitar riff!" he said, handing him one.

"They sound like a shitty garage band, dude. What are they called? Menstrual Revenge?" 

"No. I think this week they're Harbinger. Honestly, I don't really keep track. If their name sounds like it has to do with death and I've never heard of them, I just assume they're playing. They're not that bad."

"What is your definition of 'good'?" Tony challenged. 

"It's good because it makes me feel good. They don’t perform that mass manufactured factory model pop bullshit that doesn’t make you feel anything."

"She's just screaming about someone being bad at oral."

"Because she hasn't dated me yet," Garret grinned. 

Tony looked up at the lead singer on stage with her lustrous strawberry blonde hair and porcelain skin. “She's way out of your league, dude.”

“No, she’s not,” Garret scoffed. “There’s no such thing as ‘leagues.’ That’s just another box society wants to trap you in. But I don’t give a shit about being put in a box, Tony. What is it you think makes someone out of someone else’s league?”

“Well, Vera is in a league of her own,” Tony thought aloud, “So, I guess, being hot and popular and rich? That’s the trifecta for being better than you, right? Dude, she wouldn’t even step on you to get the gum off her shoe.”

“I don’t give a fuck about Vera liking me,” Garret said. “Look, this girl is objectively hot, but she’s probably not rich and she’s only kind of popular. She’s not hitting the trifecta for being a fucking snob.”

“But you don’t even have _one_ of those qualities, dude. Like attracts like, right? She’s gonna want to be with another hot person without money or fame.”

“That doesn’t even make any fucking sense,” Garret said. “Look at Zoe. She’s insanely popular, but she’s not traditionally attractive. That shit doesn’t matter. People fucking worship her anyway.”

“Yeah, but Zoe’s an eldritch horror with a fan club. She obviously did some really badass shit,” Tony said.

“Exactly. Zoe is a badass,” Garret said. “So am I.”

“Not on the scale she is though,” Tony said. “She’s got a cult, dude. She could end the world as we know it.”

“I don’t need to work on the same scale as Zoe, man. I just want to impress one person.” Garret sighed, “My point is-- all that matters is the effort you put into getting someone’s attention.”

“How’s that going for you? You talked to her yet?”

Garret felt his cheeks burn and glared indignantly, “Not yet. She’s always dating somebody. She’s probably dating her fucking drummer.” He saw the look on Tony’s face and huffed, “Shut up!”

After a beat between songs, Sloane, the lead singer on stage, tapped the mic. 

"This is it," Garret said, elbowing Tony in the side. "My favorite song! Let's mosh! The first asshole to start windmilling or spin kicking fucking dies!”

Tony followed Garret into the growing pit, confused as the girl on stage screamed long and hard into the mic. This was actually the closest they'd gotten to just plain noise in their set and he didn't mind it. He could even admit she had a powerful set of pipes on her. But why the fuck was she crying? 

"Dude, this got fucking weird!" Tony shouted.

"She's a banshee!" Garret shouted back at him and pointed to the fuckwit thrashing around, ruining the experience for everyone else. "Go kill that fucking muppet!”

Tony shrugged and pushed through the crowd to beat the flailing swamp monster to death while Garret cheered. After the song ended, they cut out early to head to the graveyard. They still had work to do and dinner to eat.

“Why’d I just kill that guy?” Tony asked.

“He didn’t respect the pit, man. We weren’t outside and that wasn’t the hardcore scene. He needed to get dead.”

“I didn’t really like the whole crying schtick. Crying makes me uncomfortable,” Tony said, following Garret past the cemetery.  

“That’s exactly why I like it. That’s raw fucking emotion, man. People aren’t in touch with their feelings or they’re too afraid to show them. And there’s nothing more metal than crying blood. You know who else cries blood?”

“I have the feeling you’re about to tell me.”

“Zeus! The fucking king of gods,” Garret grinned, giving him the metal horns. “Come on. I gotta get my shovel from my apartment.”

 


End file.
